The First Breath After A Coma

The ability for the human species to cock things up will never cease to amaze me. For example, lets say you want to organise a trip to a museum. Now before I begin, a word about this museum which is the most impressive building I have ever seen. Built in 1995, it looks like a UFO taking off from a small piece of land jutting out into the ocean. The architect, Oscar Niemeyer, has many critics (probably because he is a communist!) but the main criticism of this museum is that the museum upstages the art it contains. Yep, you're right, knock it down and build some mouldy shack there instead!!! Surely that is a criticism of the art it contains more than anything else. Anyway, as for my trip, of course, there are many things to arrange. You need to invite the person you want to go with, you need to check the travel, you need to check costs, you need to plan your time to make sure you can collect your friend, arrive at the museum and have time to eat lots of steak after with enough time to get your friend back to their bus home..... what else. Nope, that's it all covered. So you're set, you have planned meticulously! NOTHING can go wrong that you could have planned for. So the day goes perfect, you collect your friend, you arrive at the museum on time.... you discover it is shut that day..... DOH! ...... there is always some insignificant detail that you forget. Normally it is to put on clothes or to turn the oven off when you are finished (Yep, I do that too. And?)

Actually it was still was an awesome day. Things are what you make of them. Thankfully I wasn't the only one to have made this mistake. Upon exiting the taxi near the museum I was greeted by some of Napoleon's army in full battle costume who invited me to visit some dungeons on Sunday.

Whilst there was no exhibition that day, we were still allowed entrance to the top part of the building (which if it was located in America, would probably be randomly shot at by passers by in the belief grey men were returning to claim the bodies of the Roswell victims!). Upon entering..... and walking around.... it struck me that everyone was lying on the floor starring up at the roof?!?! I was wondering if there was some sort of Carbon Monoxide leak at first. Then I realised it's actually pretty awesome to be in a building surrounded by ocean and able to lie down, relax and just enjoy what is an amazing view!

Thanks to Luciane for this picture :)

The place I now call home!

Upon exiting the museum, I was confronted by a full marching band. Nope, I don't know why they would be there either. Maybe Napoleon invited them? It must have been "Out of place visitors day". All we needed was some Harry Krisna's, the Illinois Nazi Party from the Blues Brothers and a few strippers to complete the scene! Yet, it's the guy with the orange hair that was getting strange glances. I think I will start dressing like a Roman Centurion to blend in more.

The Idiots are Winning
I managed to read some shocking stories this week too. My friend Drika pointed out this one too me though which is just...... well..... A woman, and I am using the term loosely here, who gave birth to triplets has been feeding them McDonalds since the age 6 months. When probed about what they eat that is healthy she said:

"They like fish and chips too, but I take the batter off the fish, so I guess that's healthy."

For those living outside the UK, fish and chips is basically potatoes fried in fat. Fish, wrapped in fat (batter) and then also fried in fat. It's about as healthy as being hit by a train.... removing the batter is like putting on a rugby headgear before the train hits you!!!

Of course her weight problem (she weighs more than double what I do now, and was three times my weight when she gave birth, and I'm 1.94m!) is not down to her diet. She has a thyroid problem. So it's just a coincidence then that she has a diet that would make a Texan blush!

I don't usually write things like this but I just think it's one thing to eat like a horse and fuck up your own life..... but you should not be allowed to do it to babies and kids.

Everybody loves that Gringo Flavour!
Well.... at least the mosquitoes do! Although I live in a more urban area outside of Rio, my apartment was built on top of a blasted flat mountain. You walk through a mini forest to enter and there is a huge forest area beside our building. So we get our fair share of insects (Including moths that are bigger than bats..... PLEASE GOD sort that shit out! They are scaring the hell out of me!). My building also has a swimming pool..... which nobody can use as it's overrun with snakes! NICEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!

But that is nothing compared to Marica. This place makes Comber look like Tokyo! (Only joking Currie, you're still living in a crappy village in the arsehole of nowhere! :D ). My girlfriends mother and step-father have a beautiful house there (picture to follow?), in fact they were one of the first to build in that particular part of Marica and you can see for literally miles all around you!

The house is within a couple of minutes walk of a huge lake..... which is a good place to find enormous mosquitoes filled with Dengue and other delicious diseases! Everybody has a swimming pool in their house = more mosquitoes ..... and various fruit trees. Basically, it's a breading ground for everything that wants to bite the shit out me! If it wasn't for the fact I was being eaten alive the second I step off the bus it would be a beautiful, calming place to live.

When he built his house the land was swampland filled with snakes, lizards, hammer frogs, the lot! You still get them there from time to time, although I think none of them are dangerous..... certainly not as dangerous as a 50cm MOTH!! Why? What purpose do they serve anyway?

The last time I went there, over a week ago, I came back with over 70 bites on my legs.... including some on the bottom of my feet. I didn't even know that was possible. I wanted to scratch it with sand paper. MY GOD, you have no idea how a bite on the sole of your foot is until you have one. So I decided the best way to avoid this happening is to visit again, today! Wish me luck! :D

Take care friends / Cuidem-se, amigos

Have a good May day / Tenha um excelente feriado

Stephen / Estivinho

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So with the Brazilian holidays and my natural inclination towards being lazy, I have done a whole lot of nothing with my blog over the Easter holidays. I realised today Brazilians have a tonne of public holidays. I would say it is great if it wasn't for the fact my life is a holiday....

I have a lot of games to watch, review and write up for you all, including the finals of the various state championships. Also, in the next roundup you will see two of the best ever sending off offences... but what for this one?

Well I said in my last football post I wanted to make it a regular occurrence. Having someone failed at that I at least want to post something remotely football related. So, whilst it didn't occur in Brasil, the Brazilian footballer with possibly the coolest name in the world, Grafite, scored an absolute beauty of a goal against Bayern Munich. The commentator then does a Brazilian :-O



In England, football has gone a little bit mental with a player being booked for FARTING. I would maybe understand if this happened on boxing day when he was loaded up on Brussel Sprouts because those things create a man made mustard gas once they've gone through you!
A link to the full story is available here.

Finally this week I leave you with the 20 most bizarre things in football. Video clips for most of the incidents will surely be available on youtube to those interested. I specifically remember seeing #6, the lightening strike which killed 11 players. It really has to be seen to be believed!

For those who don't particularly like football, I hope to do a regular post again some time before the weekend, laziness permitting. So expect something before June :P .... and for those of you who don't particularly like me, and just want more Brazilian stuff, get bent, it's my blog and I will do what I want.

Take care friends / Cuidem-se, amigos

Stephen / Estivinho

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A Tribute to the Hillsborough Disaster

In memory of the 96 who went to watch a game of football, but never returned.

For those who know me, you probably know that I am a huge fan of Liverpool Football Club. On the 15th April 1989, 96 Liverpool supporters died whilst attending a football match between Nottingham Forest and Liverpool. There have also been a number of suicides which occurred as a result and many thousands of lives and families were completely destroyed that day also.

Given my young age at the time this occurred, it was only recently that I really understood the truth of what happened and the magnitude of the lies told at the time of what happened have had. I was directed by fellow Liverpool supporters on the official Liverpool forum to read through the below website:-

Contrast.org

A lot of you reading my blog will probably be of a similar age, or even younger, than me. Or, you may be reading this from somewhere in which this story wasn't given much attention. So, if you are interested in learning about this, I would recommend contrast.org as a must read to anybody. I would also recommend the fantastic article written by Brian Reade featured on www.mirror.co.uk which is a wonderful piece of journalism!

Finally, below is a short youtube compilation (5mins 43 seconds) detailing what happened on that day and the lies published in the most popular newspaper in England at that time, The Sun.


Thank you for taking the time to read through this with me.

Take care friends / Cuidem-se, amigos

You Will Never Walk Alone / Você nunca vai andar sozinho

Stephen / Estivinho

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Check Your Head

Do you ever do something ridiculously stupid in public and just hope that nobody finds out? Well, after visiting Sugarloaf mountain with some friends, and other people I'd never met before, about 6 of us decided to go to an excellent restaurant here in Niteroi called "Icaro". After eating as much steak as what is physiologically possible, a bathroom emergency was required. Now firstly, a little design issue. The toilet cubicles are individually built with frosted glass with a separate light inside to use. It looks very clean and pretty from the outside before you enter.... then the realisation sets in that when you are inside and you turn the light on, the silhouette of you is clearly visible for all to see from the outside. All I can say is thank God that George Michael wasn't here for the "Rock in Rio" concert this year and on this particular night!
Outside the bathrooms, there is a large sink for hand washing as well as an industrial sized soap dispenser! So washing up, as you do, it occurred to me that the soap had a very very strong, minty smell. On closer inspection, I realised I'd just washed my hands with Listerine mouthwash! Feeling suitably embarrassed, I begin the search for the actual soap dispenser to realise there isn't one? I guess it's better having minty fresh hands than them smelling like the change you receive after buying a kebab in the early hours of a Saturday morning!

Then I had the enjoyable task of sitting down with my girlfriend and all her friends whilst trying to explain why I came back from the bathrooms smelling like an advert for Mentos! Gringos everywhere can thank me for Brasileiros believing they are all stupid!

The Idiots are Winning
For those of you who clicked on the above headline in my first blog article, you will have seen a picture of the president of Brasil celebrating his election victory. For those wondering what that was about, the reason for this is because I found out some shocking news. Lula, the President of Brasil, has declared that white skinned, blue eyed people are responsible for the financial crisis in Brasil..... this during a speech in which he declares there isn't a crisis here. Confused? You're not the only one! He described the global financial crisis as a tsunami, but here all will be felt is a little wave! Living in Niteroi, there isn't many people with white skin and blue eyes so it could be an interesting few months for me ahead.... well..... at least it would be if anyone actually took him seriously. Ignoring that what he is saying is tantamount to inciting racial hatred in your own country, I would love to know what this was based on?

GoogleMaps Can Kiss the Fatest Part of my Ass!
Google Maps has caused some problems in recent years. Just last year the US Navy had to redesign one of its buildings because the aerial image on Googlemaps made them look like they were closet Nazi's :-O
Now their latest tool, "Street View", has been getting some bad publicity. Firstly some guy was vomiting in the street, got caught by googles camera and was fined. Then a woman was practically stalking her best friend, watching her house on streetview only to see her husbands car parked outside her house when he was meant to be away on business (well, he was, just not the business she wanted to see, eh, eh?? Yeah you know! Uh-huh! Get-in! No? Okay then!)
Anyway to cut a long story a little bit less long, she got divorced and blamed google (even though they saved her thousands in private investigator, plus surely the main problem here is that she is a stalker.... that's still a crime, right? ..... but ignoring that.... of course!). Then after "Street View" started in a little village in England, the burglary rate shot through the roof. Soon it was attributed to people using Google to learn peoples routines thus knowing when safe to burgle them. So the people in the village blocked the car from getting into streets and are petitioning to ban them from doing so under some right to privacy act. But, worse than all this, GoogleMaps is responsible for this image:-
Curious to see my old house where I grew up, I put the address into googlemaps only to be confronted with this. My old next door neighbour, who I hadn't seen in all my time living there (Bin Laden is supremely outgoing in comparison!) showing the google cameraman what he really thinks of them!

Stop calling me Ronald McDonald
So tomorrow I'm back out in the countryside away from a computer for the Easter holidays, so it may be a while before I find the opportunity to talk a load of nonsense again! The good thing is, out there, there are plenty of stupid people for me to tell you about here. In fact the first time I went there was Christmas 2007 and there was some guy sitting beside us on the bus who has one of those MP4 players with a built in speaker. He felt it was necessary that he entertained us with this for the journey.... the fact his taste is music was dreadful wasn't the problem, it was that he only had 3 songs, insisted on quietly singing along to them, but loud enough for us to hear, and he didn't speak English so he was guessing what the lyrics were and getting it very, very wrong indeed. I would have laughed at him a LOT more than I did if it wasn't for the fact it looked like human flesh was the main component of a very high protein diet!

Take care friends and have a good Easter/ Cuidem-se, amigos e tenham uma boa Páscoa

Stephen / Estivinho

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And it begins, my regular (stop laughing) roundup of all things Brazilian for all you lousy gringos out there, like me! It's always better to stick to what you know, which in my case it's so small that I will start with something simple like football.

Remember, if you click on the game you will see highlights of the game lasting between 5 - 10 minutes. (Lembre-se, clique no jogo para melhores momentos)

Eliminatórias da Copa de 2010 (World Cup 2010 Qualifier)

1 April 2009
Brasil v Peru

Brasil, benefiting from the latest kickoff in the Group of all the Round 12 games, knew that 3 points would move them into second, above Argentina who, earlier in the day, were mauled worse than an idiot children's entertainer who accidentally got locked in the tigers enclosure at the zoo! Thankfully in the highlights it doesn't include the two national anthems. For some reason, depending on where the game is played, they seem to try and mix the musical culture of the state in the playing of the National Anthems.... which is fine, normally. But the only way to describe the noise made in Porto Alegre on Wednesday is that similar to a drunk accordion player falling down the stairs. Also, if you have ever watched a Charlie Chaplin film, it appears that the Peru National Anthem is loosely based on Charlie Chaplin's music. (To any Peruvians reading, p-p-please don't kill me, I've so much to give!)

Quite how Brasil kept a clean sheet is beyond me. The only time Kléber(#6) was in the correct position all game was for the 5 kick offs. How he is in the team ahead of someone like Fabio Aurelio (to pick the one left back I watch every week) I will never know. He simply cannot defend. The idea that Lionel Messi will be facing him in just 5 months time must be keeping Brasil fans awake. Plus Felipe Melo(#5), despite scoring a good goal, was so sloppy in possession. If you are that careless with the ball in centre midfield against a top side, they will destroy you! Lastly, Robinho(#11). Imagine how good a player he would be if he played with his team. Incredibly selfish player who can be brilliant to watch one minute and so infuriating to watch the next.

Before finishing about World Cup Qualifying until June, I want to give a final mention to my wee country, Northern Ireland, who took maximum points from two hard games against Poland and Slovenia. They now sit purdy top of their group until at least June. All they need to do now is learn how to win away from Windsor Park! GREEN AND WHITE ARMY *clap* *clap*

To see the current status of all teams currently aiming for qualification to the 2010 World Cup, please click here.

Campeonato Paulista (Sao Paulo State Championship)

Palmeiras v Corinthians (Just Fat Ron's goal)

These two teams despise each other. So when Fat Ronaldo scores, then climbs the fence to celebrate with the fans, the fans ended up pulling down the fences and he almost causes a riot! Nice one Ronaldao!

Corinthians v Ponte Preta

Watch out for Ronaldo's(#9) second goal, tis a beautiful thing. His air kick wasn't though! :O
Fat Ronaldo was originally known as "Ronaldinho" here in Brasil when he was a kid. That name is looking more ironic than anything Alanis Morrisette sings about in her ironically titled song!

Palmeiras v Bragantino

An opportunity for a lot of you to have a look at Keirrison(#9) who is continually linked with Barcelona, Liverpool and anyone else who is crazy enough to pay €30,000,000 for someone who has yet to turn in a top performance against a team that knows how to defend.

Campeonato Carioca (Rio de Janeiro State Championship)

Madureira v Flamengo

A six goal thriller in Rio! Keep an eye out for Erick Flores(#30) who sets up the first two Flamengo goals, and plays the through ball right at the start of the second half. I expect him to be hyped beyond belief soon.... probably by Pelé who endorse anything, even at the expense of his own dignity. While on this subject.... how would you react if you were sitting getting ready for a game of football and someone sits down next to you and asks if you would like to discuss erection problems?

Fluminense v Botafogo

This game has everything. Goals, red cards, unexplainable injuries, world class diving and playacting..... everything! Fluminense are considered the rich club/fans and are disliked by a lot of the other Rio teams for this reason, in particular, by Flamengo fans. Some questions for those watching the game:

1. What did you make of the Fluminense number 10 (Thiago Neves). I rate him very highly and could see him doing a very good job at a top European club.
2. The Penalty - was it legal? Can you do that?
3. The dive for the red card... was it Pedersen class?
4. Goalkeeper injury? What - the - fuck?

Flamengo v Resende

Look out again for #30 - Erick Flores. Near the start there is a wild tackle on him that looks dreadful, he almost lands on his head breaking his neck. Then you see the replay and you realise he dived, wonderfully. Has a footballer ever seriously injured himself diving?
As for Josiel for Flamengo, he is playing (and with that hair, looks like) Batistuta at the moment with 5 goals in 2 games! 11 in 11 so far this season!

Volta Redonda v Vasco da Gama

An EIGHT goal thriller between two teams who refuse point blank to even try to defend. Show a video of this game to Hansen and Lawro and there would be ritual suicides in BBC Headquarters. The first goal by Vasco in particular is an absolute screamer!

****

Finally, I leave you with some of the worst misses in Brazilian football. Some are amongst the worst I've seen.... including one by the legendary Zico!

So that's all for the past weeks football in Brasil. The game of the week was by far, the Fluminense v Botafogo derby. As the next round of games in the state championships pits most of the big teams against each other, which should make for some interesting games. Internacional v Gremio in particular rarely passes by without incident (by which I mean a red card frenzy followed by a riot of epic proportions!)

Take care friends / Cuidem-se, amigos

Stephen / Estivinho

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It's Been A While

Approximately 16 Months, 16 Days and 16 Hours ago, I left the UK for the sunny shores of Brasil to start an exciting new chapter of life. My plan was to master the Portuguese language in 6 months, get a job and then see what I can make of life here. I promised a lot of good friends to keep in touch and not to forget them! I then proceeded to fail massively in every aspect of this plan.

Taking Responsibility for Your Actions
I've always said that it's important that people do this. I mean I could put my failure at learning Portuguese down to many things..... my laziness; that I am easily distracted by all life's beautiful things here; that trying to eat my body weight in steak on a daily basis is a more enjoyable challenge.... sure, these things might all have contributed to my demise. However like every bad workman, I prefer to blame my tools. My chosen method of study is a book entitled "Conversational Brazilian Portuguse - The Easy Method". I mean seriously, how can you expect to learn anything from someone who doesn't even know how to spell the language? Thankfully,they noticed their error and changed it on their website to "Portugese". :-O

The Idiots are Winning
Of course, only an idiot would rely on just one book as a sole method of learning. So this idiot chose a second book "Brazilian Portuguese for Dummies". Unfortunately, due to a lack of attention, "Silva" (that's what I called my book) ran away from home. If anybody sees a book that looks similar to Silva's picture below, please do let me know. I am Lost without him..... and I mean literally here! I only know the French for "Toilet" and having to carry around empty Coke bottles and ice cream cartons is becoming tiresome! Also, Silva, if you are reading this, please come home! I am not mad at you. I know you deserve more attention and I promise to show some interest at least until Pro Evolution Soccer 2010 is released!Buying A Cat, Thinking It's A Hare
Actually before I get off this subject which I have done to death, twice..... I need to complain about the book I have. It teaches you common sentences in "Brazilian Portuguse" that nobody ever uses, plus it doesn't account for the fact that every third word people say here is either "Caralho" or "Porra"(Naughty words) plus it doesn't tell you how to pronounce anything. So how exactly is that "Conversational Brazilian Portuguse" then? Silva used to tell me how to pronounce things.

Why a Blog?
Well as I eluded to earlier, I'm immensely lazy. I have approximately 9,000 unread emails (most of which are either offering to either make a certain body part larger or to remove it completely!) and therefore a blog is the easiest way for me to facilitate letting everybody know how I am, what I am doing, and to see pictures of me "sun dodging" in Rio. Of course, what will actually happen is I will just complain about random, unimportant things on a regular basis! Plus hopefully it will motivate me to write in Portuguse more as I intend to eventually translate everything here into Portuguse for all my new little friends here in Rio. I will also try to post various "Brazilian" things for Gringos to sample a piece of life here. One of which will be video highlights of the best football games played in Brasil each week, perhaps along with my "cutting analysis". Personally I think there is a lot of potential for me to create something GREAT here..... so let's see how long it takes me to really fuck it up! :D

Take care friends / Cuidem-se, amigos

Stephen / Estivinho

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